Pope: "Islam Can Suck It"
ROME -- In a televised statement this morning, Pope Benedict XVI lashed out at critics of his earlier comments on Muslims, referring to said critics as a "pack of crybaby snake-charmers" and recommending they perform various humanly impossible feats of flexibility and colonic accommodation.
"Fuck you," he added.
"Why don't you have a seat on my pointy-ass hat," continued the Bishop of Rome. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Abdul? We all know how you camel-jockeys swing, out there in the desert. Yeah, those long cold lonely nights out among the dunes. You bunch of faggots. We [Catholics] might fuck little kids, but at least we don't strap bombs on them when we're done and drop them off at the bagel shop. Sure, we treat our women like shit, but if we made them all dress like fat ninjas, there wouldn't be a single full pew in the whole fucking world. I mean, it's 2006, how do you assholes get away with it? That part I kind of admire, actually. Jesus H. Christ, this stuff is good."
After pausing to drink deeply from a bejeweled chalice, His Holiness then closed his statement with, "I got your Allah right here," emphasizing his point by tugging sharply through his robes at his own scrotum.
"Pope out."
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